What I'm Thankful for...

Here's a list of things (from the classic film, Screwballs) that we should all be thankful for...

1. Food Gagz!

2. Nerds!

3. Physical Fitness!

4. Being Yourself!

5. Adult Situations!

SPRING BREAK (1983)

Directed by Sean Cunningham of Friday the 13th fame, this flick takes it's minimalist title seriously. There's no bag packing, kiss the parents, waving down the driveway folderol; the opening shot is of the main characters (they're nerds, by the by) in the back of a cab at Ft. Lauderdale scoping the babes. Spring Break has no story, I'm not even sure that it has characters. The fellows check into a sleazy motel and meet up with a couple of seasoned party animals who becomes their roommates. These guys drink 40s like they're Eazy-E and enter into the big bellyflop contest, so you know they're cool. When a biker calls one of the nerds "shit for brains," the party animals are right there to back up they're new little buddy. Here's a screen shot from just before the biker gets all pissed off:

Aaaannyways, there's a couple of "night on the town" montages, a wet t-shirt contest, an angry step-dad who's a politician, one of the nerds gets laid, they save the day with a bunch of spray nozzle whipped cream cans, plus there's a sleazy all-girl band. The band, incidentally, is called Hot Date and they sing a song called "Do It To You," the lead singer wears a spandex body suit that the same color as her skin along with knee high boots (IMDB wouldn't tell me what pornos she'd been in, bah!). Harry Manfridini provides the score and wrote most of Hot Date's songs, even "Do It To You." Yes, the same orchestra that created the infamous "CH CH CH, HA HA HA" from Friday the 13th series found themselves sawing away in an LA studio in order to provide incidental music for a scene where a guy pees on an alligator. The soundtrack is rounded out by a surprising selection of party rocking tunes by the likes of Cheap Trick, .38 Special, and NRBQ. A must-see.

HUNK!

If you had a chance to make a Faustian trade with the Devil (who looks like a semi-retired Vaudevillian comedian dressed like Attila the Hun) what would you want in return? Some sort of Earthly satisfaction with no true emotional payoff, right? A buff physique? A (somewhat) cool car? A thorough mastery of karate? A hang-low that hangs a little lower? Well, that's exactly what computer programmer Bradley Brinkman signs up for. With the help of she-devil Deborah Shelton (JRs mistress from Dallas), Bradley becomes Hunk Golden. Eating right and exercising would've never allowed super-geek Bradley to achieve the stature of Hunk. He really HAD to resort to a Satanic pact in order to get laid.

This is a clip of Hunk getting it on with one of the girlfriend of a guy that looked down his nose at him while he was Bradley. You'll also notice the fat friend, Chachka:

Here's a clip of Deborah Shelton as Mandy Winger being confronted by JR's wife, stick with it until the end. This makes me want to watch Dallas, an impulse I've never had in my life:

 

Soooo.... Should you watch Hunk? Fuck it. What've you got to lose, right? It's got nerds and jocks and washed up TV celebs. WARNING: This movie is rated PG! That means NO NUDITY!

VALET GIRLS (1987)

Here we have Valet Girls, a true party movie from the director of Screwballs. If I'm following this correctly, it's about these girls who work as valets and wind up invited to a big Hollywood coke party. When they get to the party, all dressed up for a night out, they meet the valet guys. Now you may think they'll hit it right off, but the valet guys are true losers who get fired from the party. Besides that, the girls are there to meet the big LA record producer. He's kinda difficult to reach, though, because he's so busy snorting powders and banging psycho girls that dress like Cleopatra or Madonna. After the guys get fired, they proceed to cause trouble at the party-at one point they're dressed up like one of those horses that are two people bent over.

The lead girls in this movie are totally empowered and don't need the help of the sleazy male patriarchy, they even get the wealthy, old wife of the rich party host to loosen up. This clip shows one of the titular characters performing what she hopes will be her big break-out hit- "The Reach!" I hope you like it, they play it twice in the movie.

This movie really has lots to offer in the way of outrageous 80s costumes. There's all kinds of post-disco lapels, day-glo bikinis and new-wave S&M gear mixed together at the same grotto. Keep an eye out for Ron Jeremy (don't worry, he's fully clothed) and Tony Cox (from Bad Santa).